Yogi: With restlessness, I cannot be aware at all – I couldn’t figure out except for wanting to do this and that and fidgeting. Everything doesn’t seem right and I couldn’t be aware at all.
The mind refused to do breath or walking practice either. I notice that the restlessness carries energy different from the monkey mind; it drives the intention to do this and that.
It only ceased when the mind got what it wanted, and I was so surprised.
How do I watch restlessness because I see so much resistance?
Sayadaw: You say restlessness but I recognize discontent.
You said that you couldn’t be aware of anything, but in fact, you were aware of everything.
You were only discontent because you couldn’t get want you wanted, which is to be still and know something for an extended period of time. You only deem that to be awareness and meditation.
It is discontent and not restlessness because you said when you got what you wanted the restlessness stopped.
To say that you couldn’t be aware is not true; it is only that you didn’t like that you were aware in a disconnected way.
You were judging the awareness by the continuity of the object that you were observing rather than recognizing that awareness was happening whenever you knew the experience.
Yogi: But the awareness was not clear in that state.
Sayadaw: In fact, you are knowing it very well that the mind is not clear. So, see it as it is.